They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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