Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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