you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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