Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
