hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
