tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
