Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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