I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
