I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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