I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I need moral support for this bender
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
