I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
