I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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