ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
