You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
