He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
