I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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