he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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