Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
