in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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