I feel great
I just peed on a car
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
