so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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