bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
