when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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