I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
