Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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