made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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