the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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