So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
