The maid of honor just puked.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
