so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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