My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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