the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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