i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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