I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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