Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
