i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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