can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
