Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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