well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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