I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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