Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
