Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
