in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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