My friends, they love my intelligence
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
