I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
