What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
