Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
