she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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