at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
