apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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