now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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