I want to have your abortion
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
