I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
