my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
