If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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