i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
