I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
