So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
