I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
