You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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