the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
