This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
